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It's cool and sprinkling outside as I write this. I can't sleep, but no good awake either.

My mother lost her almost 3 year battle with pancreatic cancer yesterday. She was an absolutely amazing person and I am the better for having known her. She faced this fight with grace and dignity and more courage than most of us can even contemplate having. Everyone praised me for taking such good care of her, but the truth is, it was an honor and I did it with love and the deepest respect. I was with her to the end and she went quietly. She was up and still getting around until very shortly before the end and was so proud of the fact that she managed to walk again after she fell and fractured her pelvis last summer. We always knew this was a war we'd lose even though we won a lot of battles...more than most if I'm honest. It's just always too soon and not enough time, no matter how long you have.

I will miss her more than I can express.

There's this giant, gaping void right now and the world is a poorer place with her no longer in it. She touched damn near everyone she met and was a star down at the cancer center. All the nurses loved her and made a point of speaking to her and trying to have her as their patient. They did an amazing job looking after her and my thanks to them and all the staff. They are amazing people who do a hellishly difficult job.

She taught on indian reservation, ran a boy's club library as a volunteer, helped start a scholarship programs for girls, worked for me in the theater as a stitcher for fun, grew up without electricity or running water, never went to high school, but eventually got a master's degree, and was always the mom kids in the neighborhood went to. She also made great chocolate chip cookies and distributed them freely.

Rest in peace.

So, now I go on.