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Fanfic: The Favor Ch.2

Title: The Favor or What's a Girl Like You Doing on a (White) Knight Like This?
By: Pink Rabbit Productions
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
Chapter: 2
Date: 15 January, 2015

Disclaimer: Hmmm, characters, not mine, situation, mine-ish (there was a story challenge that stuck and my brain started writing on its own). Sex? Implied at the very least is highly likely. Comedy ... well, I'm trying.

Summary: Emma talks Regina into pretending they're dating. Havoc ensues.
Author's Note: Well, it's been awhile since I've done any writing. Real life and all that, but I've been pushing myself to get back to it (generally without much success, but hey, look, something's moving, so let's go with it). So hopefully that part of me is coming back to life.
Chapter Two

Stepping into the alley behind the diner, Emma sighed softly as she noted the elderly figure already well into his routine. This was not going to be fun. At least not for her. Judging by the way Ruby was giggling, she was planning on enjoying the show. At least there were no dogs around. The Storybrooke strays had learned to give this sort of thing a wide berth. That could only be good.

The Favor
What's a Girl Like You Doing on a (White) Knight Like This?

Her target, one Charlie DeVille, aka ‘This Old Man,’ was indeed elderly, a wizened codger who looked to be about a hundred and twelve. Unfortunately, he moved like a five year-old hyped on Sugar Bombs and Mountain Dew.

Seeing Emma, he giggled and danced well out of reach.

"Dammit, Charlie," Emma called out as she hurried after him. "You know it upsets Granny when you don’t wear pants."

God, her job could be weird some days.

He sing-songed something about his sticks which Emma tried desperately not to hear, dodged her lunging grab, then did a shoulder roll that would have done Kirk-era Shatner proud.

Emma hit the dirt and skidded, spitting dust as she slid to a halt. “So much for rolling home,” she grumbled.

Charlie disappeared behind a nearby dumpster with a happy titter. He was definitely having way too much fun

Pushing back to her feet, Emma tried to block off his escape route, but suddenly he was on top, then doing a rolling tumble through the air right over her head.

He landed a good fifteen feet away. Apparently the five year-old sugar rusher was also a Flying Wallenda.

Somewhere in the background, Ruby giggled.

"Et tu, Rube?" Emma deadpanned, then swung her attention back to her prey as he chanted his latest rhyme and dove after a new toy. Emma popped up, waving her finger at him. "Charlie, you leave that chicken alone!"

"Ten — Hen!" the codger corrected and lunged.

The chicken escaped his hold in an angry flutter of wings and wild squawks.

"Thank god for that," Emma muttered. Arresting someone on a charge of chicken-molesting would be odd even for Storybrooke. Then muttering was no longer an option as Charlie took off after something new. "Dammit, Charlie, you know how John Tailor hates it when you do that to his — STOP THAT!"

He reached twenty-four before Emma caught him.

Which actually wasn’t bad. He’d made it to ninety-six once with David in pursuit.

Mind you, she felt slightly in need of a shower after a few of his more creative rhymes. Ones that, thankfully, had never made it into the children’s version of the song.

Without losing her tight grip on his upper arm, she caught the clothes Ruby tossed her way with her free hand. "Pants!" she ordered. "Now!"

Grumbling about the lack of appreciation for fine music, Charlie nonetheless yanked on enough clothing to cease offending Granny, who’d poked her head out a couple of times and threatened to shoot any loose bits she saw dangling. Thankfully, she hadn’t actually fired. The last thing they needed was flying arrows added to the mix. That could get ugly.

Emma considered Charlie naked.

Well, uglier.

"Now go home," she said in a voice meant to be as commanding and threatening as possible, though she suspected came out more pleading and begging from the way Ruby snickered.

"Rolling home?" Charlie asked, eyes alight.

Rolling her eyes, Emma nodded. "Rolling, running, walking, I don’t care. Just. Go. Home." Charlie flashed a huge grin, then went capering off, trilling new verses all the way. "And keep your pants on!" Emma yelled after him.

He just giggled.

"You know he’s gonna be naked and bouncing around the streets in an hour or two, right?" Ruby drawled as Emma turned her way.

"Yeah," Emma admitted with a shrug and a vague gesture in the direction he’d taken off. "But he’s headed toward the Widow Spratt’s place and she never complains...actually..." She paused to consider before continuing, "I think she kinda likes it." She rubbed the back of her neck to ease some of the tension. "Y’know how she likes ‘em ... scrawny and weird."

Ruby did a doubletake that bordered on comical. "Okay, that’s just soooo ... wrong."

"Can’t argue that," Emma agreed as she took a moment to straighten her ruffled clothes.

Ruby watched with a raised brow as Emma smoothed and retucked everything that had gotten out of place during her tussles with Charlie. "Sooo..." She flashed a quick glance toward the diner. "Umm..."

Emma noted the meaningful glance and the way Ruby’s nose and ears seemed to twitch. Looking down, she redoubled the attention to getting everything back in place in hopes werewolf-girl would take the hint.

No such luck. "You and the queen..." Ruby murmured, trailing off suggestively as she peered at Emma.

Damn. Afraid of what Ruby might have heard or seen, Emma struggled to blank her expression. "Yeah?" After all, if wolf-sharp ears had picked up on the fake relationship, it could be problematic. No way, one her mother’s oldest friends would keep quiet about the con job they were trying to pull off.

Ruby pursed her lips. She’d been hoping for a quick confession, not the studied disinterest Emma turned her way. "C’mon, Emma, What do you think your mom and dad are gonna say?"

Double-damn. Feeling a flush crawling over her cheekbones, Emma shook her head. "I’m not sure what you’re asking?" she mumbled with the least believable innocent look ever.

A dark eyebrow arched high and Ruby heaved a sigh. "Emma," she chastised gently and folded her arms across her chest.

Feeling about five, Emma wilted, but tried to hold her ground. "I’m still not sure what your problem is," she stammered, fairly certain she looked as guilty as she felt from the heavy sigh Ruby released.

A second dark eyebrow rose to join the first high on Ruby’s forehead. "That little hand-sex thing."

Any denials died on Emma’s lips and she pulled up short.

"You two would’ve had to be naked for it to be any more obvious," Ruby added with a pointed look.

Fully expecting to be called out on her plot to unHook herself, Emma could only blink. Huh?

"Not to mention the pheromones floating around you would have been obvious to any of the animal-folk in town."

More blinking.

"Oh, and unless I’m mistaken, Leroy figured it out, so it’s not gonna be a secret much longer."

"You ... uh ... you think Regina and I—"

"Yeah," Ruby cut her off sarcastically, then shook her head. "I know you probably think you’re hiding it well, but lemme tell you, you’re not." She rolled her eyes. "And the whole fake relationship thing with Hook ... that’s just dumb."

"Dumb?" Emma exhaled.

"Yeah," Ruby assured her as though she was just a little slow. "Yeah, he’s pretty, but nobody in town buys that you’re actually into that idiot, especially with him so overplaying the whole True Love thing." That earned another eye roll. "Honestly, I don’t know how much you’re paying him, but he’s not helping ... especially since it’s obvious he’s way more into David."

"My dad?" Emma whimpered. She’d really hoped she was wrong about that suspicion.

"Don’t worry," Ruby snorted. "David hasn’t figured it out." She snickered softly. "He’d still be hyperventilating if he had ... and Mary Margaret..." She abruptly snapped her mouth shut and shook her head. "That doesn’t matter." She waved the topic off.

Emma considered asking only to decide she didn’t want to know. Really. Did. Not. Want. To. Know.

"Look, Emma, I’m not trying to tell you to break up or anything, but you’ve gotta tell ‘em before they find out the hard way." She flashed a quick look at the diner over her shoulder. "And you know Regina’s gonna make it as hard as she can if she gets the chance ... no matter how into you she is. That’s just who she is."

Still processing the whole conversation, Emma shook her head slowly as she muttered the first thought she could afford to share with her mother’s friend. "So you don’t think she’s trying to play me or manipulate things or anything?"

That got a wry laugh. "With the way her hormones were flowing — and trust me, despite the whole boobs on parade thing she did as the Evil Queen, that’s not normal for her — I think the only thing she was trying to manipulate was you ... outa your clothes."

The blush was back in spades as Emma felt her cheeks heat up until they were probably redder than her jacket. "I ... uh ... it’s just—"

"Just tell ‘em, Emma." Ruby insisted, then pointed at the back door. "Though you might wanna warn her highness first because ... y’know ... blood, death, doom, destruction, not to mention removal of affection ... surgically."

Emma swallowed hard, but nodded and followed Ruby inside, still not entirely certain what had just happened.

They’d only gone a few feet when a sound echoed through the diner like some hideously deformed thing died or was being tortured or possibly was enjoying some weird sexual activity way too much. One never knew in Storybrooke.


"What—" Ruby began.

"The hell?" Emma finished as she darted past the waitress. Hand on her service weapon, she rushed through the kitchen and into the main dining room, fully expecting to come up against the latest dragon, witch, or other fairy tale creature out on a toot.

Instead she found Regina Mills, standing next to the booth they’d shared, shaking her right hand gently as though trying to resettle the bones. The look on her face was best described as thunderous.


Weapon half drawn, Emma stormed forward several more steps, then pulled up short as she rounded the end of the lunch counter and got a look at what had made the godawful sound. Not a monster, thankfully. Not even a particularly impressive human, just Killian Jones — though he preferred Hook — on the floor on his backside, holding his nose and staring, wide-eyed, up at Regina.

"By nothe," the pirate squawked.

The words were so mutilated by whatever Regina had done that it took Emma an extra moment to parse the meaning. Oh, his nose.

"You ‘it by nothe."

Regina hit his nose. Emma tamped down some very naughty feelings of envy as she eased her weapon back into the holster.

"And I’ll do it again if you ever—" Regina started to threaten only to have her voice drowned out as Hook repeated the awful sound.


Seeing a flicker of fire appear in Regina’s left palm, Emma hurried forward. "What’s going on here?"

"This, this ... pirate—" Regina snarled and pointed at Hook, so furious she could barely speak "—dared to—"


Regina made an inarticulate sound of rage as she was interrupted by another of Hook’s sinus-clearing sounds, and lunged.

Emma leapt forward, interposing between the two of them, intensely aware as she did so, of the sleek curves that collided with her back. Shaking the woman off, she spun and fixed a hard gaze on the former Evil Queen. "Regina," she said simply, the single word demanding an explanation.

"You said no magic," the brunette pouted. "You never said no hitting."

"Really?" Emma questioned, her tone thick with sarcasm. "That’s your defense?" She’d thought some things were implied. Apparently not.

She got a defiant eyeroll and shrug in return. "You said I couldn’t hurt him ... much." The former queen leaned to one side to peer at the pirate over Emma’s shoulder. "His whining aside, I didn’t hurt him ... much."

Glaring, Emma pivoted to find that Killian, sensing that she wouldn’t let Regina simply immolate him — no matter how much fun it might be — bounded to his feet remarkably quickly for someone who appeared to be trying to claim a broken nose.

"All Ah did wuzsh zshay how glad I wuzsh to hear L’roy’s newzsh," he slurred, though how much of the mushiness was due to his nose injury and how much was due to the volume of rum he imbibed on a daily basis, it was hard to say.

Then he grinned and ran his gaze over Emma with enough intensity to leave her feeling in dire need of a shower, and not the cold kind either, but rather the boiling hot, scrub-till-you-bleed kind.

"I assure you, that is not all he said," Regina snarled and moved as if to step around Emma.

The blonde held both arms out to her side to block her. "You stay back there," she ordered with a quick, quelling glance.

"Dow, dow, lub," Hook drawled as he eyed Regina with the same urge-for-a-shower inducing look he’d directed at Emma earlier.

Emma just barely controlled the urge to knock him back on his ass.

"Tha’ pazhion—" Hook blithely continued "—izh a big part of duh Ebil Queen’zh appeal—" He twisted his mouth into a grin Emma was certain was meant to appear seductive.

Mostly it just looked really, really creepy.

"—‘N’ why I’m zho glad zhe’zh join’d our l’il..." He paused, appearing to consider terms, then abruptly—


Something thumb sized, slimy, and colored in shades of red and green hit the floor near Ruby with an audible splat. The waitress leapt back with a yelp. "Oh god, that’s gross." She peered at it more closely, considered the problem for a moment and backed up another step. It appeared to be moving on its own. Even by Enchanted Forest standards that was odd.

Hook, meanwhile, offered a bleary grin. "Muzsh better," he mumbled, his voice not so nasal, but still very slurred. Apparently the speech issue was mostly the rum. "Azsh I wazsh zshaying—" he explained cheerfully "—Zsho glad you’ve invited th’ queen to join our li’l luv affair."

"Love affair?" Emma repeated as she shook her head in denial.

"Join?" Regina snarled.

Emma braced against the lunge that followed. They struggled briefly, finally winding up with the queen’s arms wrapped around Emma, her hands pinned solidly against the Savior to prevent her from casting or going after Killian with her fists.

Killian’s gaze grew distant as he expounded on his view of things. "Izsh perfec’," he mumbled happily. "Th’ Savior on one side, ‘n’ th’ Evil Queen on th’ other ... both worzshippin’ me—"

"Let me kill him," Regina requested, still trying to twist her hands free. "It’s justifiable homicide—"

"No killing," Emma insisted, though she understood the impulse.

Frustrated beyond belief, Regina growled — an actual, low-pitched, do-a-tiger-proud growl.

Killian heard the sound even in his drunken state. It made him smile fondly as his gaze fell on the queen. "Aww, c’mon, Regina ... ‘s’ no zshame bein’ in luv w’me ... I’m a fine spezsh’men of a man," He winked. "‘N’ I promizsh you’ll have plen’y of op-oppo-opportuniteezsh to fenzsh w’my zshword."

As he spoke he stared at Regina with a look that threatened to make Emma rethink her no-killing stance.

Growling insults under her breath, Regina made another bid for freedom, but Emma only forced her palms inward and pressed her hands tighter against her body, denying any hope of casting or escaping. "Dammit," the brunette snapped. "Let me go."

"You know I can’t," Emma pointed out. "You’ll just kill him."

"Precisely," Regina agreed cheerfully.

Hook, meanwhile, continued to babble. "Kill me withz pl—" he hiccupped "—pleazshure." He leered happily, clearly proud of himself. "‘ll be burnin’ up th’ sheets."

After another failed attempt to twist free, Regina hissed something unintelligible under her breath, then surrendered. "Fine. No killing." No longer fighting the pressure pinning her arms against Emma’s body, she leaned against the blonde, deliberately resting her chin on the other woman’s shoulder.

"Regina," Emma whispered, her tone a mix of curiosity, threat, and fear.

"Change of plans," was all the warning Emma got under the guise of a more-than-friendly ear nibble, then Regina was pulling her close and directing a sharp look at Hook. "I assure you, Captain, the sheets will burn." Regina laughed softly, the sound low and rich enough to send tiny shivers down Emma’s spine as she found herself wrapped up in a hold that went from resistant and struggling to possessive and decidedly sensual. "But what makes you think you’ll be invited?"

He blinked, brows drawing into a confused frown. "Yer both in luv w’me."

Regina’s answering laugh was a dismissive chuckle that would have done the Evil Queen proud. "Poor, foolish boy," she sneered, then ducked her head.

A hard shudder rattled Emma as warm breath ghosted over the curve of her neck, then impossibly soft lips pressed the most delicate of kisses to her skin.

"You’re neither needed nor wanted," Regina informed Hook as she kept fluttering tiny kisses up the side of Emma’s neck and slid her hands over the other woman’s body despite Emma’s increasingly loose hold. "In fact, you’d just be in the way."

Emma moaned in spite of herself and sank into the body at her back.

Hook managed a few more confused blinks. "B-b-but," he sounded like a motorboat for a moment, then managed to catch a breath and continue. "You won’ have a zshword w’out me." He peered down and pointed at his crotch. "N by zshword, I mean m’penizsh." He shook his head. "Can’t have no fun w’out a penizsh."

"You never were a very creative thinker," Regina drawled.

"B-b-but ... penizsh ... m’zshword..." He peered down with a look of love and utter worship. "M’beau’ful zshword."

"More of a dull, rusty dagger," Regina corrected, then shuddered as a thought occurred. She peered over Emma’s shoulder at the pirate’s groin, then up at Emma. "Should we get you to a doctor for an antibiotic, dear?"

Emma blinked in confusion for a moment, then abruptly realized what Regina was asking. "No," she yelped, a crimson blush highlighting her cheeks. "We ... uh ... we haven’t actually ... y’know ... and ... No."

"Good," Regina said quite seriously. Very, very good. Only because of Miss Swan’s health, of course, Regina reminded herself. It wouldn’t do for her to expose herself to the multitudinous versions of ‘shore leave,’ Hook had doubtless acquired in his travels. That would be very difficult to explain to Henry. Because, of course, this was all about protecting Henry.

Really. It was.

And with that, Regina’s hands flipped and swept upward, finally breaking free of Emma’s now lax hold as she summoned her magic in a graceful wave.

Suddenly Emma’s stomach dropped like she was riding a roller coaster and she looked down to see purple smoke boiling upward.

Then the real world — or at least as close as Storybrooke came to it — faded into a purple haze.

Stepping forward, Hook poked the dissipating smoke with his index finger and let out a sigh. "They’re both hopeleshly in love w’me," he informed Ruby with a blithe smile.

The waitress considered the statement for a moment, opened her mouth to speak, then thought better of it. Getting in the middle of that dog and pony show wasn’t going to do anyone any good. Then the gob of ... whatever ... on the floor seemed to move again and she made a hasty exit in search of Granny. Granny was notoriously good at ‘dealing with’ strange things — usually, by shooting them full of crossbow bolts. This qualified.

Hook, meanwhile, peered adoringly down at his crotch. After a moment, he waved. "Don’ worry, Binky, they’re all jush embarrazhed cuz they’re zsho in love w’ush."

* * * * * *

To Be Continued